These were intense two weeks when I took on too much, and some days were really hard for me. It’s difficult to tell about everything that happened, but I’ll manage to cover a few highlights!

Work

Several times I felt like I was completely stuck, but then a new day would begin, I’d start thinking about a new facet of my tasks, and inspiration would come, new ideas would arrive. I want to learn to trust myself, to believe that new solutions will come during the work process, and not waste energy worrying that I’m stuck, that today I don’t know what I’ll come to tomorrow.

One of my biggest fears about work right now is misunderstanding my area of responsibility. I’m very afraid of missing something I’m actually supposed to be responsible for, and overstepping into territory beyond my authority. In theory, this should be resolved by a job description, but I’ve never encountered in real life a job description that actually helped with this (in my entire long working life, I’ve worked in a classic corporation for less than a year, so this isn’t surprising). And I don’t yet have an answer for how to figure out the boundaries of my actual area of responsibility, except through communication and exploration, but this is difficult and anxiety-inducing, especially considering I haven’t yet passed my probation period at the new job.

Signalis

There are games that don’t particularly appeal to you while you’re playing them, but leave a deep impression and enrich your world. For me, these are Norco, Disco Elysium, Kentucky Route Zero - and now Signalis. I didn’t enjoy the gameplay and was annoyed that I couldn’t remember all the names and replika models I encountered throughout the game, but now that I’ve finished playing - I can’t stop thinking about this world. I’m not building theories about how all the intertwined threads of narrative and memories fit into one overall picture, but rather experiencing this world sensually and visually.

But if you like building theories - there are many videos about this on YouTube. And there’s also an excellent article - it’s in Russian, but now that’s not an obstacle at all.

Crypto and Electronics

From time to time, I develop an interest in cryptocurrency and electronics. I think this is how my desire to know how this world actually works and how everything functions manifests itself, as well as the desire to build my own world bypassing the life-breaking official institutions.

I’ve conceived a couple of simple art projects using electronics, the ordered components arrived today, it’s a shame that almost all my evenings next week are occupied.

Social Life and Sensory Overload

I attended two pre-holiday events: the corporate New Year party and a pre-New Year skate session in the my surfskate community. Not the most interesting events (I like regular skating and regular work better), but it was still pleasant and probably even necessary to informally communicate with new colleagues.

But I’m writing about this because after both events I felt completely exhausted, and I think I’m finally ready to admit that interacting with a large number of people drains a lot of energy from me, and to take this into account in my plans (instead of imagining that I’m a superhero who doesn’t give a damn about anything).

In general, I’m increasingly noticing episodes of sensory overload: too many people too close, too many conversations that I can’t help but hear. I think it was like this before too, but I had more energy to compensate for it without noticing.

Oh, another interesting thing: at the corporate party there was a black tie dress code, and I was dressed accordingly (and I even had a black bow tie), and I even put on makeup for the first time in about twenty-five years. And this isn’t really me at all, I don’t feel like this, but what I saw in the mirror, I unexpectedly liked. Maybe this is a signal to try roles beyond the range I consider suitable for myself.

The Hidden Girl and Other Stories

I read several books, I want to talk about The Hidden Girl and Other Stories by Ken Liu: the feeling from many of the stories is similar to watching “Black Mirror” in many ways - on one hand, it’s a future that seems very close, very easy to imagine, on the other hand - schematic characters, needed only to outline the plot. Like drafts, sketches for a story, rather than the story itself.

What the Internet Is For

In the Top 25 Moving Image collection from It’s Nice That, I randomly encountered the stunning work of Adrian Hanft. This is exactly what the internet is for - these inspiring encounters!

He also has a Substack worth subscribing to!

River of Grass

I have a strange tenderness for films about restless people trying to find a shortcut to their dream in life (or at least get out of their restlessness). River of Grass is exactly that, absurd characters trying to get out of an absurd situation, the film is beautiful and tender, leaving a feeling of emptiness and unlived life.